I have been trying to write my next post but it all sounds like whining and jibberish. So sorry that I’m feeling like a woman right now and just shouldn’t be talking about anything of importance today. Maybe it’s partially the affects of snowpocolypse 2014 and not being outstide this house since Thursday night. I’m one game of “Farkle” and another mug of hot chocolate away from the looney bin! You all keep warm and I’ll try again tomorrow!
Are you a blogoholic? Which blogs do you follow? What do you like about them? How often do you like to see postings from the blogs you follow? Do you prefer snarky or content that makes you think? Discuss…
May I just say that I am so overwhelmed by the support of you all?! I did not expect this kind of response at all. Thank you so much! It is my hope that this will really be a tool for helping others. Please spread the word as you see something that may help someone else!
When someone is at the end of their marriage, they may seem rather unloveable. Divorce is not something that anyone takes lightly and they have likely been agonizing over their decision for years. I was determined to honor my vows no matter how much I hated living with him. In my case, we had been living separately under the same roof for about a year and a half. So in that sense, it didn’t feel very different after he was gone. I enjoyed my queen-sized bed all to myself…minus the loud snoring of my soon-to-be ex-husband – which I once recorded – in fact, I think I just found it! <deleted funny snoring video here> Sorry. I digress! (It was very funny but I was advised I should delete it…but if you come over sometime we’ll giggle at it over a glass of wine!)
During these first days, it’s impossible to concentrate. It’s always in the forefront of your mind. “I cannot believe what just happened! Did the police really just come to my house? How much damage is this going to do to my babies? What am I going to do now? How will I support us? Who will take care of the boys while I work? How will they transition into school? How will I afford a lawyer? I don’t know any divorce lawyers! Will they work in trade for mediocre family photography sessions or let me homeschool their children?” My mind would race and each question I asked myself would lead to another that I could not answer.
I was shell-shocked, as if my mind was in a coma, but nobody was checking my vitals. Recently I saw a story on the news about a guy who was shot at a convenience store. He was lying on the ground in the doorway, people saw him lying there bleeding and just walked right over him! http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/customers-walk-dead-body-michigan-man-killed-store-doorway-article-1.1564163 This is how I felt! Doesn’t anyone see me bleeding over here? Don’t they know we are devastated? I could not move, or so it seemed. There have been times that I’ve had surgery and been in so much physical pain. There would be only one position that I could find relief from the pain if only for a few minutes…until I had an itch…or God-forbid I had to pee! As soon as I moved, it would take another half hour or more to find that place of relief. That was the emotional state I was in those first couple of weeks! I was supposed to be homeschooling but all I could muster up was a few read-alouds with the boys on my lap. That was my sweet spot where I could find some sweet relief. Good thing they aren’t dumb-arses and were way ahead for the year because there was certainly no math or science going on!
Had my husband died, I know that everyone would’ve surrounded me with love and compassion. For crying out loud, people brought us meals for a MONTH when I had my babies! But when there’s a divorce…crickets. People of the church (and everywhere else), hear me loud and clear…THIS SHOULD NOT BE! Do not fault her for the way she bleeds and step around her! Bring a meal, a gas card, a target card, a greeting card. Just stop by and give her a hug and listen to the uncomfortable details for an hour. She will be bristly, raw, overly emotional or in my case extremely angry. She very likely won’t remember what she told you (and you would be wise to let some of it go in one ear and out the other) but she will remember that you loved her when she was unloveable. And to the very few who were there for us, I am forever grateful and I love you to pieces!
It was five years ago right now…my soon-to-be ex-husband was being removed from our home by the police. My two boys, then 4 and 7, were running around, literally in circles, and then were frantically trying to pick up their toys and make the house look nice, “so daddy will come back and see what good boys we are!” The worst day of our lives. My babies heard everything that happened in my bedroom that day, despite my pleas for them to go in the office and lock the door. When I got away from him, I grabbed my phone and saw those two precious faces, standing just outside the door, hand-in-hand in the hallway, eyes wider than I’d ever seen them. I grabbed them and we locked ourselves in the office until the police officer came.
Before selfies were cool. I took this one while the police officer was talking to my husband.
It was a 50/50 fight, the police officer said. My injuries were not extensive enough to press charges and I did go for the groin to get him off of me. (I’m not sure if I’m more mortified that I’ve posted a photo without makeup on or because I don’t like looking back at this girl who felt so helpless!) I felt so alone, terrified and unprotected. I tried to explain to the boys that it wasn’t about the mess they had made but rather that daddy had to go away to get some help. I was homeschooling at the time and hadn’t worked full-time since we were married, 11 years earlier. I had no idea what to do. My husband had been keeping all the money away from me for months but I was able to access the last $800 that was just deposited. He went to the bank the next morning and closed our joint accounts by 9:00am. Because he insisted on keeping the money, the $350 gas bill wasn’t paid and we were shut off the day after he left. The low that night was 4 below zero. He then brought in large heaters from a job site he was on and almost burned the house down, carefully placing them near boxes and fabric in my sewing room. Our close friends found out what was going on (as I was chopping wood in the garage to build a fire in the fireplace) and insisted the boys and I stay with them for a few days until the heat was turned back on. We were in a place where they were able to love on us and we felt safe. I was in a fog…what would I do now?
I didn’t know anyone close to me that had been through a divorce. I didn’t know where to start, had no money to get a lawyer, no job and two very scared little boys. I was very involved in my church and the Christian community but these aren’t the subjects that make the prayer chains. Unless you’re sick or dead, you’re not prayed up! But you can dare bet everyone will know about it and have a strong opinion about it…that they’ll share with everyone BUT you. Now don’t get me wrong. There are well-meaning Christians in every church. We’re all human. We just don’t know what to say in certain situations. Domestic violence, drug abuse and alcoholism and divorce are at the top of this list. I was literally told to be quiet by a woman who thought she knew all about divorce because her brother went through one. She told me in very large font via email to just be quiet. The people I thought would be there for us were not, but the people I never expected to walk through this with us really stepped up! When on paper, we shouldn’t have been making it, God somehow worked everything out and took care of us more than Iwould’ve ever hoped for!
I’ve been wanting to start this blog since my divorce papers were signed, three and a half years ago. It was a very messy divorce…it still is. I’ve decided to tell my story through this blog and have made it my personal mission to help other women in similar abusive situations so that they don’t have to go through this alone. (keep in mind that I don’t condone divorce or advocate it unless absolutely necessary!) But if even one woman can learn from my mistakes, then I’ve done my job. As I find the happy medium between battered victim and angry beeeotch, welcome to my graceful mess!