Unloveable

May I just say that I am so overwhelmed by the support of you all?!  I did not expect this kind of response at all.  Thank you so much!  It is my hope that this will really be a tool for helping others.  Please spread the word as you see something that may help someone else!

When someone is at the end of their marriage, they may seem rather unloveable.  Divorce is not something that anyone takes lightly and they have likely been agonizing over their decision for years.  I was determined to honor my vows no matter how much I hated living with him.  In my case, we had been living separately under the same roof for about a year and a half.  So in that sense, it didn’t feel very different after he was gone.  I enjoyed my queen-sized bed all to myself…minus the loud snoring of my soon-to-be ex-husband – which I once recorded – in fact, I think I just found it!   <deleted funny snoring video here>   Sorry.  I digress! (It was very funny but I was advised I should delete it…but if you come over sometime we’ll giggle at it over a glass of wine!)

During these first days, it’s impossible to concentrate.  It’s always in the forefront of your mind.  “I cannot believe what just happened!  Did the police really just come to my house?  How much damage is this going to do to my babies?  What am I going to do now?  How will I support us?  Who will take care of the boys while I work?  How will they transition into school?  How will I afford a lawyer?  I don’t know any divorce lawyers!  Will they work in trade for mediocre family photography sessions or let me homeschool their children?”  My mind would race and each question I asked myself would lead to another that I could not answer.

I was shell-shocked, as if my mind was in a coma, but nobody was checking my vitals.  Recently I saw a story on the news about a guy who was shot at a convenience store.  He was lying on the ground in the doorway, people saw him lying there bleeding and just walked right over him!  http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/customers-walk-dead-body-michigan-man-killed-store-doorway-article-1.1564163   This is how I felt!  Doesn’t anyone see me bleeding over here?  Don’t they know we are devastated?  I could not move, or so it seemed.  There have been times that I’ve had surgery and been in so much physical pain.  There would be only one position that I could find relief from the pain if only for a few minutes…until I had an itch…or God-forbid I had to pee!  As soon as I moved, it would take another half hour or more to find that place of relief.  That was the emotional state I was in those first couple of weeks!  I was supposed to be homeschooling but all I could muster up was a few read-alouds with the boys on my lap.  That was my sweet spot where I could find some sweet relief.  Good thing they aren’t dumb-arses and were way ahead for the year because there was certainly no math or science going on!

Had my husband died, I know that everyone would’ve surrounded me with love and compassion.  For crying out loud, people brought us meals for a MONTH when I had my babies!  But when there’s a divorce…crickets.  People of the church (and everywhere else), hear me loud and clear…THIS SHOULD NOT BE!  Do not fault her for the way she bleeds and step around her!  Bring a meal, a gas card, a target card, a greeting card.  Just stop by and give her a hug and listen to the uncomfortable details for an hour.  She will be bristly, raw, overly emotional or in my case extremely angry.  She very likely won’t remember what she told you (and you would be wise to let some of it go in one ear and out the other) but she will remember that you loved her when she was unloveable.  And to the very few who were there for us, I am forever grateful and I love you to pieces!

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3 responses to “Unloveable

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