Monthly Archives: February 2014

The CrAzY Cycle

My posts will be a little sporadic as I approach another hearing with Friend of the Court on March 14.  This was postponed from January 13, which was postponed from September 6, which was postponed from June, which was pushed back from April after a hearing in February of 2013 where I let the court know my ex-husband tried to drive with my children while severely intoxicated, yet again.  (during a winter storm warning, no less!)  Court is the gift that keeps on giving.  The more I post, the more you will hear me preach about putting your big-girl pants on and mediate the heck out of your divorce!  Do NOT play in the courts/lawyers sandbox if at all possible!  I, unfortunately do not have this luxury as there is a third party driving this process and drugs and alcohol are a factor.  When dealing with an addict, you may as well be negotiating with a toddler.  But if you have two relatively sane, although wounded, adults who both love their children dearly, you should be able to negotiate and realize that nobody will EVER win in these situations.  (least of all the children)

So my feathers were ruffled again today upon learning the boys’ child support was lowered by $500/month…with no judges orders!!! and an upcoming hearing on this lumped in with the other issues.  Not that we’ve received any child support since October anyway.  But FOC made it retroactive to November, lowering his arrearage so that my ex-husband has no consequences right now.  Lovely. 

I just saw an upcoming movie trailer for “God’s Not Dead” and an amazing calm came over me tonight.  GOD. HAS. GOT. THIS!  Why are these unscrupulous people shocking me with the same behavior that they’ve shown over the last five years?  Why would I expect anything more out of the people who’ve made a mockery out of the justice system, keeping the real issues away from the judges and not protecting the kids?  HE will take care of us just as He has done for the last five years!  He hasn’t let us drown yet!  I want my faith to rise up again to where it once was and put my hope in Him!  Going up against things that seem insurmountable and facing jail for protecting my children seems like it’s just too much.  But it’s not for Him!  It’s not.  For Him.

Happy Couples

Happy Couples

I’d love to think that someday I can have a happy relationship.  When I see these stats on unhappy marriages…Yep! We had those traits nailed down!  Now, to learn from the old destructive patterns and not carry that crap into the second half of my life…

My Sunday nights…


We went to a wonderful night of worship tonight, which was rescheduled from January 1st because of the mountains of snow that have been heaped upon us.  I tried to explain to the boys what this night would be like and I hear a little whiny voice from the back say, “Sounds boring.  And WHY can’t my seat have a butt-warmer?!”  To which I replied, “Because the good people of the Buick company did not like children.  And now they’re out of business.”  And so we head to church with our crapitude in tow…

It was JUST what I needed tonight to recharge myself before the new work week.  I get a little down on Sundays because I know that once Monday morning hits, we’re off and running until Friday night, at which point I about collapse some weeks.  Life is hard.  It is that much harder for the single mom who doesn’t get a break very often.  But there are blessings that come in the form of 2 guys from life group who had me write out my hunny-do list and knocked off the handyman projects one by one.  And the icing on the cake was two new smoke detectors with lights because my pastor didn’t like the looks of the hard-wired ones.  And while it’s very hard for this girl to be on the receiving end, I see it as God providing for us, yet again!

So tonight, instead of dread for the coming hectic schedule and barrage of rotten people I’ll have to deal with, I will choose to focus on the blessings of this weekend.

Seasonal Depression…

Seasonal Depression...

You call it seasonal depression. I’ll call it winter sucking the life out of me by giving me hairy, scruffy, scaly legs like a crocodile; chilled-to-the-bone achy joints; a red, splotchy, flaking, scabious face that hurts just to go outside to my car; and feet that cannot maintain a pedicure and cuts through my socks and slices the carpet like a box cutter! OK…maybe the hairy part is on me. :o/

The one step you MUST take when starting your divorce

"Rosie the Riveter" "We Can Do It" 179-WP-1563 WWII Poster

I have to admit that starting this blog has picked at a scab that I thought had largely healed.  It has not.  And honestly, it has paralyzed me…clearly, as I haven’t posted for about a week.  My circumstances are such that I have the joy of my wound being picked at by my ex and the court constantly.  I’ll get to that later, but not today.

Thinking back on those first days has reminded me of how I survived those first few months.  I look back and wonder how exactly I made it when I felt like I was emotionally bleeding from the inside out.  And as cliché as it sounds, it was by taking baby steps…one…tiny…step…at…a…time.

My way of coping with the heavy stuff is to become paralyzed.  It’s easier for me to look at the mountain and turn right back around and say, “Oh hay-ell no!”  I will check facebook, (uhhh…I just outted myself that I’m avoiding life on the days I post incessantly!), I will bake something, I will change the sheets (because there’s nothing like fresh sheets!), take a bath, go online to get a date for the weekend (it is kind of a sport)…I even started RUNNING last year!  And not because someone was chasing me with a bloody knife but because I couldn’t deal with a painful breakup that I was trying to avoid.  (at least that last one is healthy!)

Facing the unknown of a divorce was paralyzing…hence the living separated in our home for a year and a half and becoming attached to people/things I shouldn’t have.  But when my life blew up, it created a huge wound.  It’s like being shot, except emotionally.  You would not expect someone who had just been shot to function at 100% until they have healed.  First you need to stop the bleeding!  There is time spent in the hospital where they are analyzed by doctors, the business of surgery, resting.  There are visitors and people who will come and help you while you’re getting back on your feet.  There’s rehab.  After all of that is done, you’re ready to fly again.  But miss any of these steps and you’re not going to be 100%!

I took time to just sit in the shell-shock of what happened.  Just fixing meals was difficult.  I forced myself to read a book with my boys because it helped them feel close to me on my lap and we were interacting.  Sometimes my 7 year old would read and I would zone out.  But we were together.  Then I had to call in some experts…legal aid, lawyers, financial peeps, my therapist.  OH MY GOSH!  Get yourself a good therapist!!!  After that there was more business…changing the utilities into my name, looking for a job, researching schools (remember I was homeschooling at the time), looking for places we could afford to live.  This all took time. And if I thought about everything that had to change in my life too much, I would find myself back at my Mac checking facebook again!

Give yourself a little grace as you’re navigating through this uncharted territory.  There will be bumps and roadblocks and so many mistakes. By tackling just one thing per day, soon you’re doing two…then three… then you find yourself doing one thing per hour!    And as long as you’re moving, you’re one…tiny…step…closer!

Ideas for your one step per day

  • Phone call to an attorney or more wisely, a mediator
  • Set the timer to clean out one drawer
  • Pack one box
  • Read one book to your kids
  • Call one person who has been through it
  • Wash one load of dirty laundry – washed, dried, put away
  • Spend 15 minutes looking for a realtor/new place to live
  • Call an accountant and find out how this affects your taxes
  • Make a meal
  • Go for a bike ride with your kids
  • Mow the lawn (kids can’t undo a mowed lawn!)
  • Drink one glass of wine

{BTW – I checked my facebook seven times while trying to write this post!}