I have such sweet and compassionate boys! Last night, my 10 year old and I were home while my 12 year old was at youth group. He was supposed to be working on his “Walter Chrysler” project as I was filling out FAFSA forms online for going back to school. I kid you not, he was sharing a new fact like every 30 seconds. My attention span is that of a gnat these days. (You thought pregnancy brain was bad – try single-mom brain!) I started getting a little irritated after about 15 minutes of this and snapped at him to pipe down and work on his project quietly. Out came the lippy and big crocodile tears. I immediately felt terrible. He gets so excited when he learns new things and these are the moments I love most about motherhood. He just wanted to connect with his mom because he was finding out all sorts of new things that I just had to know, too. So I stepped away from my computer and pulled him on my lap and let him show me what he had done so far. Five minutes. That’s all he wanted. Five. Flippin’. Minutes.
As I was trying to fall asleep, I kept racking my brain as to why it was so hard for me to give up those five minutes. I gave myself a little bit of grace as I recounted all that happened in my day. I work next to a person who has a running commentary of every negative thing that happens in her day. It is almost constant. Things like a number put in the wrong cell on a spreadsheet are animatedly narrated as, “Look at this! Can you believe how STUPID people are?! It’s supposed to be in this column and they put it HERE! UGH!” And heaven forbid someone come to our facility when they are looking to deliver something to one of our other four facilities in the same square mile. Not only do we hear the conversation first-hand, we get to hear it retold at 95 decibels about how stupid they were to not read a map. This affects the entire atmosphere for everyone as there is nowhere to run! I literally put in earplugs yesterday (hidden by my hair so I didn’t get in trouble) so that I could drown it out and concentrate to get my month-end work done. And an added bonus to my workplace is that almost every single person would’ve been fired at any other company for sexual harassment or their foul language. This really plays a huge role in attitude that spills over into the rest of my life.
On the way home, I received a call from the Friend of the Court. At this point I’m not even trying to be friendly with them. I’m calling them out on every single lie that they tell and they hate my guts. I kinda lost my cool when I asked Jason, who answered the phone, to verify that my fax had gone through. He told me it was their policy that they don’t do that. I questioned why and it was because it’s on the other side of the office but they have a high-tech fax that will send you a receipt if it went through. Explaining that I did not receive one but it was critical that they receive this additional information so that I DON’T GO TO JAIL, he still explained this policy again. Then my case-worker called with a bunch more BS that I called HIM out on. So by the time I got home, I was a little raw to say the least.
I’m making some big changes as this current life is just not working for us. Am I the mom I want to be? Nope! My choice to not finish school when I was young has landed me a low-paying job that isn’t ideal for how I’m wired. While explaining some of this to my baby this morning, I apologized again for snapping at him last night. Things will get better soon hopefully. He burst into tears. He could see how hard my life is and felt bad for me because he knows “how bad you just want to be home with us.” This breaks my heart but I’m so proud of both of them for being able to see outside of themselves and feel for others. God has given me a couple amazing boys! I’m one lucky momma!