Black Friday: From Sacred to Scary

Since September, retailers have been screaming about Black Friday deals. For the love of Pete! You can’t have Black FRIDAY deals on a TUESDAY! For the avid shopper, Black Friday is a sacred day. It’s the day set aside for working off your Thanksgiving stuffing and pie in the form of competitive shopping, grabbing all the deals you can. Girlfriends, mothers, daughters and sisters all across America unite with one purpose…knock off the Christmas shopping list as cheaply as possible. Because nothing says “I love you” like unwrapping a Snuggie from your significant other for $9.99!

I was told long ago that this was the day that retailers finally went into the black on their ledgers, but come to find out, that’s. not. even. true. Turns out there’s a whole lotta history regarding this day that really had nothing to do with shopping.

http://www.pymnts.com/in-depth/2014/the-real-history-of-black-friday/#.VHiTHIeLldN

I remember the first time I got up early for a Black Friday deal. Early bird shopping was a new concept and we couldn’t believe retailers would be open at 6 am! I went in for a Nintendo 64 for some dear friends who were like family to me who were out of town for Thanksgiving. It was a whopping 4 degrees and the moon was bright and full at 5 am when I arrived. There were a handful of cars and we were all smart enough to remain there until one dumbarse drove up and casually walked to the door to start a line. This unleashed a frenzied race to the door as one little lady slipped on the ice.  We helped her up because we had manners back then! When the doors opened, I swore I heard the voices of a thousand angels as I sprinted to the back of the store and was first to arrive at the Nintendo camp.  The lady in the red polo handed me the system and the free game that was my prize for triumph over the arctic air.  However, I discovered it was one of those bloody, violent games that today would have trouble receiving a “Rated M for Mature” rating.  When I politely asked for the more kid appropriate game of Wave Runner, my request was met with, “YOU GET WHAT YOU GET!”  First thing.  6 am.  Really lady?  I cannot feel my toes and I think most of my eyelashes cracked off somewhere around 5:42 but I went from icy to boiling hot in 2.7 seconds.  The mob of a few hundred people behind me started to rumble as I stood my ground for the Wave Runner game.  I informed Miss Rosy Polo that I would not be leaving my place in line until I received the game I came for and could I speak to the manager please. The throngs of moms in the line rallied with me as we all wanted our choice of free game as well.  It was a sisterhood, really.  We were there for the common good of the above average shopper and we would not be beaten down by the Bullseye!  It only took about 2 minutes to see the crapitude in her eyes turn to fear as the stench of morning/turkey/coffee breath laced with vexation became overwhelming. I got that Wave Runner game and my Pseudo kids would have their Nintendo Santa dreams fulfilled! Nailed it!

Now we have retailers opening their doors on Thanksgiving to get the first dollars. Here’s a thought for you CEO’s of big box stores…we’re still likely gonna spend the money on your deals no matter when you open your doors! No need to work your high school and college students round the clock and make their mommas cry while you down your fourth slice of pumpkin pie and roasting your chestnuts by the fire. Ok. So I don’t know that’s what you’re really doing but this is my blog. Write your own if you want to dispel my myth. Please have some compassion on the people who make the sales happen and let them stay home and be thankful. Retail is exhausting enough during the Christmas season.

Now we have people waiting in line for weeks to get one of four 22″ stereo TV’s at Best Buy. Fists are thrown and knives are wielded over parking spots. People are trampled to death! To DEATH! You know where people don’t get trampled? In my bed. Under my covers. While I watch Hoda and Kathie Lee in my leftover tryptophan coma, I slowly roll over and fire up my MacBook Pro and peruse the throngs of emails of Black Friday deals. Meh. Cyber Monday is a comin’. I think I’ll contemplate my much more relaxing Small Business Saturday shopping while I have a slice of leftover pie for breakfast. Besides, I hear there’s another Black Friday sale coming on Tuesday.

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